Copyright @ Bonnie Hamre 1997 - 1998
Bonnie Hamre Kaleidoscope
Kaleidoscope
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Joey had some ideas, but they weren't for sharing. She'd make sure she had some alone time with Cole later. She must have smiled, because Ellen giggled. "Besides that, Mom."
Joey's smile this time was all for her daughter. "When did you get so smart?"
They laughed together, then Ellen sobered. "Are you happy with Cole, Mom? Really happy?"
"What a question," Joey answered and hesitated while she thought. "He makes me laugh. He makes me feel good. Safe, you know?"
"But are you happy?"
"No-o. Not what I'd call rip-roaring crazy happy," Joey clarified. "Not like I was when I was sixteen and first married. But this is different. I'm older, my expectations have changed."
"Oh, Mom, that sounds so sad. Why should you expect anything less now than you did before?"
"I didn't say that. I said my expectations are different. Not less." She fell silent, wondering how she could explain the closeness she and Cole experienced, the feeling of togetherness, of oneness they shared when they made love. As grown up as Ellen had become, discussing her sexual life wasn't something she'd ever do with her daughter.
"I'm not sorry I married Cole, dear. We may not make it, but I promised I'd do my best. He's trying, too."
Ellen pursed her lips while she studied her mother. Joey waited, a little anxiously, for her to speak. When she did, Ellen spoke slowly, as if feeling her way through difficult emotions. "I'm not sure I understand how you could get married like that, on the spur of the moment. It seems too weird, but if you and Cole are happy with it, I guess that's all I need to know. I hope you'll be happy."
Joey stood and went around the table to her daughter. She enclosed Ellen in a hug and kissed the top of her shining dark hair. "Thank you, sweetie. That means a lot to me."
Ellen put her arms around Joey's waist and hugged back. "I don't know that I can change Greg's mind, but do you want me to talk to him?"
Tempted, Joey shook her head. "No. This is something I have to do. Like you said, Greg's life is changing. He's got some major decisions to make. I wish I could find a way to make it easier for him."
"You'll think of something."
* * *
At the hospital that afternoon, Greg's surly attitude got trampled in the excitement of Frank's release. Thrilled with the chance to drive the RV out to the ranch, he bounded out to the parking lot with Ellen and Jim, the ranch hand who'd volunteered to help out.
Joey exchanged a raised eyebrow look with Cole at the way the young sandy-haired cowboy couldn't keep his eyes away from Ellen. With Cole and Marie supervising, Jim and Greg got the big RV ready to roll. Ellen made sure everything inside was packed away while Joey stayed out of the way.
The miniature dachshunds yapped and yipped until Marie picked them up. "Shush now, babies. Quiet, Juliet!"
Cole rolled his eyes, then met Joey's gaze. "They're going to go over big at the ranch. Maybe Red will eat them."
Joey thought of the big retriever and smiled.
A few of the staff came to wish Frank well, and stayed to chat with Cole and Jim. Millie, the nurse from the emergency room, stood at the fringes of the small group and stared at Joey.
Ellen nudged her mother. "Who is that?"
Joey didn't have to look to see who Ellen meant. "That's the nurse I was telling you about."
"Oh. Shall I find her some worms?"
Joey chuckled in remembrance of their conversation. "Let her find her own."
When Frank was loaded into the ambulance, they got under way. First the ambulance, making very slow progress over the bumpy gravel road out of town, then the RV, lurching along behind and finally, Cole bringing up the rear in his old, lovingly maintained Caddie which he'd brought to transport Frank in comfort before they found out he'd be taken in the ambulance.
Joey looked at him, seemingly relaxed behind the wheel, but she saw his fingers drumming against the window sill. "Are you sorry you invited everybody out to the ranch?"
He shot her a look she couldn't read. "No."
"Then what is it?"
His fingers drummed harder. "You want it straight?"
"Yes." Unknowingly, she lifted her chin to hear bad news. "Are you having second thoughts?"
He looked at her for a long moment before turning his attention back to the potholes. "Some," he admitted. "Not about you, but taking on your family."
She sucked in her breath. "I'm afraid we come as a package deal."
"You open some packages, you find something nice."
"Are you telling me my kids aren't nice?" she asked, her voice rising.
"Ellen's all right. Greg's a pain in the butt."
Her mouth firmed. She couldn't deny that. "I'm sorry about that. He's had a difficult year."
"Didn't you and Ellen have the same kind of year?"
"Well, yes, we did, but-—"
"But nothing," he said flatly. "He's taking advantage of you."
"He's just finding a way to cope, that's all."
Cole grunted. "Well, he's gonna have to do more than that. He's going to have to change his attitude. He can start by changing those crazy clothes he's got on. Did you hear what the hands called him?"
Afraid to ask, Joey shook her head.
"Pretty boy," Cole snorted in disgust. "What kind of name is that for a kid? Likely to stunt his growth."
"That's just because the hands haven't seen the way kids dress at the beach," Joey protested, defending her son. "They'd be out of place if they went to the beach in their chaps and boots."
"Maybe so," Cole shrugged, sounding not at all convinced. "But he's here now. Montanans don't dress like that. He's making it harder on himself."
She frowned at his severity, even though she'd told Greg the same thing. Somehow it seemed worse coming from Cole. "I'll talk to him."
"You're gonna to have to do more than talk, honey. You're gonna have to put your foot down."
"Cole," she said on a warning note. "I don't want to argue about the way I raise my son."
"Why do we have to argue about him at all?"
She thought about that for a while, then said slowly, "I think we'd better have some sort of ground-rules about the kids."
"Like what?"
She made an aimless gesture. "Well, I'm not sure. Like certain things are ours to share, others not?"
"You mean I should keep my nose out of your kid's lives?"
She hadn't meant to be so blunt, but he'd said it. She nodded. "And I'd keep out of Sam and Betty's way."
"No."
Her mouth dropped open. She shut it with a snap. "Why not?"
"What kind of relationship would we have if we can't talk about a major portion of our lives?"
"Well," she said slowly. "It wouldn't hurt to talk things over, I guess. As long as we left the decisions to each other."
"No," he repeated, just as flatly as before.
"I don't understand."
"Think about it, Joey. You'd have us tiptoeing around, dancing around the problem like boxers. Who's gonna get the first knockout punch?"
She didn't know much about boxing, but she understood what he was getting at. "Then what?"
"Honey, either we have a one hundred percent marriage, or it isn't worth a damn."
;"Meaning?"
"I want you in my life. I want you to tell me what you want. What you don't like. I don't want you pussyfooting around, skirting certain subjects like they're off-limits. I sure as hell am not going to do that."
"What you're saying is that you want to tell me what to do with my kids and never mind how I feel about it."
"Dammit, Joey. That's not what I mean, and you know it."
"What you're really saying is that if I want to make this marriage work, I have to do it all your way," she blurted.
"You got it."
She squared her shoulders. "Cole, let me explain something. My father is an old-fashioned man. I grew up with him laying down the rules, never listening to anybody else's opinions. I've never told anyone this, but it's one of the reasons I ran away to marry Tom. I wanted out of the house."
Cole shot her a glance. "There's a point here?"
"I'm getting to it." She settled herself more comfortably. "You can guess how surprised I was to find that I'd married a man just like dear old Dad."
A smile twitched at the corner of his mouth. "Let me guess. Tom liked things his way?"
"Did he ever." It seemed like betrayal to bare the most private aspects of her marriage, but she had to make Cole understand. "If we fought about anything, it was about his habit of making decisions first, then telling me about them."
"So that's the reason for all the changes in your life."
"Yes." She'd come this far, might as well tell him the rest. "Since Tom died, I've been on my own for the first time in my life. I've had to learn to make decisions, to figure things out for myself. And you know what? I like it. I won't ever go back to the other way."
He blew out his breath. "Well, we have a problem then. I've been doing things my way too long to stop now."
"So what do we do about it?"
He slowed to take a corner, then sped up again. "Joey, look around you. Tell me what you see."
Confused by the sudden change of topic, Joey did as he asked. All around her lay open grassland giving way to rolling foothills, groves of cottonwood and aspen, their leaves shimmering yellow in the bright fall sunlight. It was beautiful and rugged. Ahead of her, the dark green peaks of Beaverhead National Forest bounded Cole's ranch.
She looked behind, through the trail of dust kicked up by the pickup, to see the distant craggy and inaccessible peaks of the Rockies. Turning back to peer through the windshield, she saw the ranch and outbuildings, the corrals, fields and miles of fencing. All around her lay proof of a rough-hewn life pulled from the soil by force.
She glanced at Cole, saw him studying her out of the corner of his eys, and let her gaze linger on the severe planes of his face. More than ever, she realized how much he belonged here. She couldn't imagine him anyplace else. Was this what he wanted her to see?
He made an expansive gesture. "This is mine, Joey. I inherited it from my father like he did from his. One day it will be Sam's. I've never considered living anywhere else. I wouldn't want to. That means if you and I are going to stay married, we're gonna live here. And on this ranch, what I say goes. If you want to call that living by my rules, then that's the way it is."
"I see," she murmured. "It's up to me to do all the adjusting, is that it? Me and my kids?"
"Joey, I thought you understood that. We talked about this before. You didn't seem to have a problem with it then."
"That was before the kids got here."
"Yeah. And since then that boy's done nothing but make trouble."
"His name is Greg!"
"See what I mean? Anyone looks at him sideways, and you come charging out to protect him. When are you gonna let him grow up?"
Joe half-turned in her seat to face Cole. "He's only seventeen, Cole. He's having a rough year."
"He's giving me a rough time, too, and I don't see you stepping in for me."
"You're an adult, Cole. You don't need me to run interference for you."
"Maybe not, but I'd like to think that you're on my side once in while."
"Your side?" she echoed. "Is this what this is about?"
He stared ahead through the windshield, his body stiff. The little muscle in his jaw jumped.
His feeling were hurt. Well, so were hers. He'd stopped short of calling her a rotten mother, but that's what he was thinking. She slumped back against the door. The handle bit into her back, but she ignored it. "You're making this very hard for me. Asking me to choose between my children or you."
"I'm not doing that," he ground out.
"Not in so many words," she agreed. "But that's what it boils down to. Either we do things your way, or forget it. Isn't that right?"
"That's not the way I want it to be, honey, but I can't see pretending. I want you, and if that means taking your kids along with you, then that's the way it will be. I'll do what I can to help you and your kids adjust. In the end, it's up to you. And Greg and Ellen."
"Ellen's no problem. She's got her job in Sunnyvale. If she comes, it'll just be to visit..." her voice trailed away as she thought, that is if I'm still here.
"We're back to square one. Greg."
She sighed again, heavily. "I hear what you're saying, Cole. I do. You have to understand something, too. Greg's going through a rough time, and if you, or I," she added to be fair, "make it harder for him, I'm not sure what he'll do."
"So you're telling me to back off, to let him be a sorry excuse for a kid, so that he won't do something stupid?"
The short hairs on the back of her neck stood straight up. "Why can't you just leave him alone for a bit?"
"Leave him alone, or leave you alone?"
She blinked. "I didn't say that."
"Same as." He shot her a direct, uncompromising look. "Are we gonna argue all the time, honey?"
She heard the deeper, unspoken questions and had no answers. If they couldn't reach some agreement, what chance did their marriage have? They already stood on shakier ground than most couples did.
What would it take to topple their marriage altogether?
Ready for the next chapter?
Chapter Twenty -- posted March 8, 1998
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Last updated: March 8, 1998